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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580524">Hidden Pain</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimMcGee/pseuds/TimMcGee'>TimMcGee</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Not Another D&amp;D Podcast (Podcast)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Beverly gets a rest, Beverly is personally responsible for every gray hair Hardwon has, Just not in the way he needed, M/M, Major Character Injury, Mild Description Of Injury, No Spoilers, Not compliant with the end of Hellfire Chronicles</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-02-06</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-04-28 12:02:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,025</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/22580524</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/TimMcGee/pseuds/TimMcGee</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes when you carry the weight for so long, you forget how to put it down. Beverly learns the hard way of the consequences of being a figurehead for war at a young age has on decision making.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Balnor the Brave &amp; Moonshine Cybin &amp; Hardwon Surefoot &amp; Beverly Toegold V, Erlin Kindleaf/Beverly Toegold V, Moonshine Cybin &amp; Hardwon Surefoot &amp; Beverly Toegold V</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>63</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Hidden Pain</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Thank you to the wonderful and beautiful Neature_Nerd for being my guinea pig and editor for this fic.</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>In the end, it wasn’t a grand finale with big explosions and flashes of magic that ended the war, instead, it ended with a quiet stillness as a great amount of power that was pressing upon everything suddenly vanished, leaving behind an incredible lightness that hasn’t been felt in years. Then chaos erupts as the People of Bahumia surge with renewed energy to subdue the Chosen for good while the Chosen surge in a desperate bid to win their freedom or to destroy the people who killed their god. Beverly and Egwene find themselves, soon, locked in battle again with a pair of Chosen Knights seeking revenge, attacking with such recklessness and ferocity that the exhausted Green Knight duo is struggling to stop them.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly finally slays his attacker as a cut off shout comes from Egwene followed by a cry of desperation from Erlin. Whirling around, Beverly sees Egwene collapsing down on her knees while staring defiantly up at the knight as the man’s sword sticks out of her chest. The knight, grinning wide with blood-stained teeth, yanks the sword out of Egwene’s chest while kicking her onto her back before raising up his sword to deliver one final blow as Erlin stands frozen in horror, too far away to try and save his sister. The knight begins his downward swing just as Beverly tackles him while driving his own sword into the knight’s gut before the knight recovers enough to pull Beverly into a grapple for their lives.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the two knights continue fighting on the ground, Erlin rushes over to Egwene, praying he has enough healing left and praying she’s still holding on. There’s a loud pained grunt that wrenches Erlin’s frantic focus away from his sister, only to ignite more panic in his heart as he feels like he’s facing a choice between saving only one of the two people he loves most as Erlin sees the fighting duo completely still with the Chosen knight blocking his view of Beverly as that knight sits on top of a prone Beverly. An immense rush of relief nearly knocks him over as Erlin watches a hand up and pushes the Chosen off to the side, followed by Beverly slowly sitting up with a grunt. Hope and joy returning as the impossible choice is solved, Erlin finishes his dash to reach Egwene and focuses all his remaining healing into sealing the gaping wound on her chest, missing the way Beverly struggles to rise from his prone position. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Shaky from the adrenaline and exhaustion pulsing through him, Beverly finds himself struggling to stand up and slips a hand under his breastplate near his hip against the wound he was just given and forces himself to stand, determined to make it over to the siblings. However, as Beverly gets to his feet swaying slightly, Egwene jolts up and immediately pulls Erlin into a giant hug before breaking down into a mix of laughter and sobbing that Erlin quickly matches as the news and the cheers of them winning the war starts echoing through the mountainside. Watching the siblings break apart in each other’s arms and spying Mavris in the distance helping others, Beverly pulls his trembling hand out from his breastplate and just knows.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Casting a quick look around to make sure no one is watching, Beverly wipes his blood-soaked hand on a cleanish spot on his cape before carefully pasting a brave smile on his face and makes his way towards the siblings. Approaching, Beverly can tell that Erlin is definitely out of healing as he can see a large cut across Egwene’s face and the way Erlin is avoiding putting any weight on his one leg as he stands to greet Beverly. Beverly knowing he doesn’t have much time before he’ll be in even worse shape and he can’t bring himself to put another frown on Erlin’s face as the smile Beverly is currently getting is absolutely radiant.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, Erlin, I’m going to go catch up with Hardwon and Moonshine seeing that we got this handled.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erlin crosses the remaining distance between them, hugging Beverly tight in relief and joy before pulling him into a searing kiss, dipping Beverly a bit as they both make sharp noises, “Dude! We just saved the fricking world!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uh, yeAH. Umm yep, ah, wait...what?” Beverly stammers to respond, completely stunned by the kiss to the point where he doesn’t even feel pain anymore.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erlin cannot help but smirk at the dazed expression on Bev’s face before it melts into his normal sappy smile as he brings Bev in for a much less forceful kiss, but no less passionate.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Uuuugh, you dweebs are so gross!” dramatically groans Egwene as she pulls herself up to rest against a large chunk of rubble, not quite able to hide the fond smile as she watches their reunion. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rising up onto his tiptoes to peer over Erlin’s shoulder, Beverly flutters his eyelashes cooing, “Love you too, Egwene.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Erlin snorts as he hears Egwene’s groan, shaking his head fondly at their interactions as Beverly drops back down. Remembering the original point of Beverly coming over, Erlin can’t help the wave of fond exasperation at his boyfriend’s drive to just keep going and gives Beverly another short kiss before saying, “Yeah, dude. Um, I’m going to stay here cause I’m not going to be much help. I’m completely wiped out, dude.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey! That’s ok! You were totally amazing in the fight, Erlin. I….I just need to check on them, you know?” Erlin gets a distinct feeling that there’s something Beverly isn’t saying before the thought is melted away as Beverly gently cups his face and brings their foreheads together while softly declaring, “I’ll be fine…… Hey….I loved you through the end of the world, and I’m going to keep loving till the end of the next.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“DUde, we-we got all the time now,” Erlin chokes out, holding back tears as he pulls Beverly into another searing kiss before pulling back and softly kissing his forehead in goodbye, “Go check on our scoutmasters.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Unable to resist, Beverly pulls Erlin into one last kiss, one that feels to Erlin almost like Beverly is trying to freeze this moment in time before Beverly breaks it off to whisper one last love affirmation. Beverly swiftly rises up to give Erlin a forehead kiss before he turns and begins briskly walking away in the direction he knows Hardwon and Moonshine are in. Erlin watches Beverly walk away, grinning dopily even as he turns back to face Egwene as she ribs him for how sickly sweet he and Bev are because they have all the time in the world to be together that time apart doesn’t feel so terrifying anymore. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly continues his brisk walk till he gets just behind the next large pile of rubble, before looking back and is relieved to see his friends’ focus is completely off him. Letting the whine of pain that he had been keeping in as he said goodbye, out, Beverly returns his trembling hand to his wound and pants out harshly as the new waves of pain hit him and as he feels the heat radiating from the wound. Struggling to control his breathing as he looks down at the rapidly darkening tunic just under his wound, Beverly knows he doesn’t really have any time to be doing anything but finding a healer, however, watching the exhausted healers flit between downed and dying people, he can’t bring himself to ask when there are people literally dying in front of him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Beverly gathers his strength and starts a slow, staggering walk towards the Church District, the last spot he knows Hardwon and Moonshine were at. As time seems to slip from his grasp as he carefully staggers around bodies and through the pain and dizziness that’s beginning to become harder to ignore, Beverly suddenly finds himself stalled. Blinking away the spots that have started to appear, Beverly straightens up barely containing a shout of pain as it feels like a red hot poker is being shoved into his gut and looks at the crowd ahead of him. The large crowd is made up of the Defenders of Bahumia and are livelily facing the center cheering for the people standing there even as various people are supporting themselves or supporting friends, everyone is just in great spirits despite the long, exhausting battle. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hope momentarily repressing the pain and tiredness, Beverly slowly stands up on his tip-toes trying to see into the center and after a couple of minutes of shifting, Beverly feels his world finish clicking into place as he is able to catch glimpses of the elated, tired, and dirty faces of his scoutmasters, his bag dad, and Apple. All are overwhelming alive and happy, and Beverly feels some tears slipping out as the heavy weight he’s been carrying for so long finally lifts. As Beverly drops back down, a fellow Defender knocks into the arm that’s been holding his wound as he passes by, and the world for Beverly goes completely white and a sharp, piercing noise echos through his mind. The world returns slowly and Beverly is completely surprised he had remained upright and apparently had made no noise as no one around him seems to be the least bit concerned.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Time having run out, Beverly stumbles away from the crowd, just heading for somewhere where he could rest and bandage himself up. With each painful stumble, Beverly sluggishly wanders away from his family and quickly loses all sense of time and distance as his vision fades in and out. Beverly eventually finds himself next to one of the large oak trees that mark the path up to the Church District with no idea how far he’s gone, nor any idea how he managed to get here without collapsing. Stretching a hand out to steady himself, Beverly is barely able to prevent himself from crashing hard into the trunk of the tree the moment the slightest bit of support is given as his hand touches the tree. As his legs start to turn into jello beneath him, Beverly carefully maneuvers himself so that he can use the tree as supports as he slides down to sit still holding his wound. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The moment he finally sits on the ground, Beverly knows he won’t be able to stand back up again as his legs had given out and the roots come up too high for him to use as leverage to get back up. The nearly unbearable amount of pain recedes back down to a level Beverly can feel like he can actually breathe at as he takes in the little nest he’s found himself in and looking back the way he must have come, Beverly can just spot the edges of the crowd before the roots block his vision. Adjusting himself the best he can so that he’s more comfortably leaning back against the tree while he detaches his cape and presses the cleanest portion on his wound to try and finally stem the flow of blood. When that task, made difficult by his current state, is done, Beverly turns his gaze away from his body and just looks at whatever is straight ahead, and is filled with an overwhelming amount of love, contentment, and peace as the twinkling lights of Galaderon begin to return as the sun begins to set. Tilting his head as the pain, exhaustion, and blood loss begins to pull him under, Beverly feels tears dripping down his face as he spies the first stars appearing in the sky through the canopy and with a small inadvertent smile, Beverly passes out.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Standing in the center of the cheering crowd doesn’t illicit the feelings of pride and satisfaction that Hardwon had always imagined it would feel like to stand in front of an adoring crowd. Instead, he just feels tired. Looking at Moonshine, Apple, and Balnor, Hardwon knows they’re feeling the same thing he is, but none of them want to end the well-deserved happiness of the surrounding people. As he watches Moonshine with a grimace start to drum up some remaining energy to talk to the crowd around them, Hardwon rolls his shoulders back, straightens up to his full height, and hefts the Queens’ Hammer over his head shouting, “DEFENDERS OF BAHUMIA! WE WON! *Pause for the loud cheering* BUT NOW WE GOTTA TAKE CARE OF OUR FRIENDS AND FAMILIES! THOSE WHO ARE GOOD TO GO AND THOSE WHO ARE SO-SO, HELP TEND TO THE WOUNDED.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Y’ALL THAT INCLUDES THE MILKY BOYS TOO. JUST CAUSE THEY WERE OUR ENEMIES, DOESN’T MEAN THAT WE LET THEM SUFFER. TREAT THEIR WOUNDS AND BIND THEM UP, WE’LL  FIGURE OUT WHAT TO DO AFTER WE REST.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are some discontent grumbles as some of the crowd seem to disagree with the idea of helping the injured Chosen, but between Hardwon and Moonshine, they’re able to get the crowd a bit more focused on helping and less on the hero worship. The most pressing thing for them is the fact that no one from the other half of their group has come to find them or even sent a messenger. After a quick check of each others’ wounds, Moonshine and Hardwon lead the way through the slowly dispersing crowd heading towards the last place they had seen the other group as something deep in their guts fills them with a dark foreboding feeling. It’s a feeling they’ve only ever felt a couple of times before and despair begins to replace the previous feeling of victory the longer they go without finding any sign of the other group.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Rounding another large pile of rumble, Hardwon startles when Moonshine lets out a shout of joy as she takes off running. Hardwon feels the relief wash over the whole group as they briefly watch Moonshine tackle Mavris with a hug and they all scurry over to join in the hugging fest. Laughter and tears shine on everyone’s faces as they trade hugs and press comforting kisses into cheeks, foreheads, really whatever part they reached first, as they bask in the simple joy of having their family in one place. Then the moment shatters.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Hey, uh, where’s Bev?” says Mavris as he peers around Hardwon trying to spot Beverly.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“What do you mean where’s Bev? He’s with you guys! Hahaha...”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the group starts to descend into confusion, arguing about where Beverly is supposed to be, Erlin has a horrible realization and latches onto Egwene’s arm with surprising strength as he starts hyperventilating, “No...no...no no no no no…. Oh, Pelor...no… Egwene! He...no! He-he wouldn’t! I-I couldn’t have...have missed...NO!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Egwene uses the hold Erlin has her to catch him as his knees give out, trying to comfort him, “Erlin! Erlin… He’s fine! Probably just-just got lost or-or waylaid to help someone. You know him! Beverly is always fine-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Clutching desperately at Egwene’s shoulder and staring her directly in the eyes, Erlin tries to communicate his realization, “Egwene! No! He-he was...wasn’t just </span>
  <em>
    <span>saying</span>
  </em>
  <span> goodbye...he-he was saying </span>
  <em>
    <span>GOODBYE</span>
  </em>
  <span>!!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Fuck.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Still trying to comfort her brother, Egwene turns back to the near panicking group and begins to explain in a cold voice what, exactly, happened the last time they were with Beverly. As she stumbles over what happened while she was unconscious, Erlin pulls himself back together just enough to take over the explanation while steadily avoiding all eye contact because he knows he’ll break down again and they’ve already lost so much time to rescue Beverly from, hopefully, his Pelor damned self and not a troop of Chosen seeking revenge. Fuck Bev’s arguable luck. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s a moment of stillness as the rest of the group takes in what the Kindleaf siblings just dumped on their laps before springing into action. Moonshine is the first to reach the body of the knight Beverly was fighting and curses with great intensity as she spots a bloodied spiraled dagger in clenched in the knight’s hand. She doesn’t need PawPaw to tell her that this blood is Beverly’s and that he’s in immense danger, carefully picking up the dagger and showing it to the outraged and horrified group. Hardwon feels like he had just been dropped into a frozen lake as he takes in the twisted sharp metal that filled parts of his childhood nightmares after he watched an older dwarphan be shaved and exiled for just forging the weapon on a whim. Barely containing his rage and grief, Hardwon breaks away from the group to start questioning various people for any information on Beverly and the few that he gets lucky with point him back the direction they had came with the rest of the band quickly following behind.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>A world away, Beverly finds himself floating in an endless sea of darkness. Time has little sense or meaning as Beverly drifts in the tranquil water, slowly losing himself with each passing thought. There’s no room for him to be afraid, there’s no room for him-</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“BEV…...ERLY!.....Call out broth-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Wave ripples under him carrying a familiar voice belonging to...to….</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“It’ll be ok. I’m so so proud of you, Beverly. You can rest now.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Another wave ripples over him carrying a voice that ignites feelings of safety and failure but why…</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-und him! Moonshine!! </span>
  <em>
    <span>Damn….fucking damn, this is </span>
  </em>
  <b>
    <em>bad</em>
  </b>
  <span>…”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The waves are coming more frequently now, but still, the identity of the voices alludes him. Though as he continues to drift, he feels less of himself slipping away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“You have accomplished many great things, Beverly Toegold the 5th. There is no harm in resting, my champion, your family and friends will be well cared for and I will give you a chance to say goodbye.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>These warm waves seem to gently wash over him, bringing more of himself back.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“-HIT! Move! Does anyone have anything!? Please-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The water is becoming more turbulent as a clamor of panic voices starts to break through more and more often, Beverly starts feeling overwhelmed.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“The choices are there for you, little light. Your journey doesn’t have to end here. You can become the leader of my revenants and continue your healing work in Shadowfell.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Now Beverly can feel that the waves are coming from all directions, each pushing towards a different way.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“MY SON! NOOOOOOO!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>This time the sky screams in grief as Beverly begins to wish for the end, for someone or something just to tell him what to do.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“</span>
  <em>
    <span>Sleep.</span>
  </em>
  <span>”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Please...I can’t lose him too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As the last two clear voices pierce the sea, Beverly has a brief flash of regret of not being able to tell Erlin he loves him one last time before giving in and sinking into the sea.</span>
</p><p> </p><p>
  <span>Awareness carefully slips in and out of his grasp, only giving him flashes of the worlds around him, giving him his choice...</span>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Arms carefully pull him into a rare, but familiar hug. The smell of linen and tobacco soothe him but the gentle way his head is cupped before a kiss is pressed into his forehead, makes him feel cherished as the world slips away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Feet stand firmly on a surfboard as a warm salty breeze caresses his face. The sound of a cheerful booming laugh startles him and a large hand deftly supports him as his starts to falter, making him feel strong as the world washes away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Hands rest on his shoulders as chilled water swirls around his feet before dropping into a waterfall. The sight of the turbulent end before returning to a tranquil state as the river continues on its journey makes him feel sure as the world falls away.  </span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>Legs briefly fill his vision before a robe covered hand reaches out to help him stand confidently, ready to help the person next to him get to their feet. The taste of ash and mist fills his mouth as he takes his first steps towards the next figure, making him feel bitter as the world fades away.</span>
  </em>
</p><p>
  <em>
    <span>His body rests heavily on the soft ground as quite indistinct sounds slowly filter in and what must have been a cool breeze, tickles his nose as it brings an intense mix of familiar and unfamiliar smells. He blearily opens his eyes, staring perplexed at the beautiful wooden beams that make up the ceiling instead of the open sky or a rotten ceiling that he had been expecting to see. </span>
  </em>
  <span>then something briefly squeezes his hand and barely rolls his head to look. A mixture of joy and confusion flows through him as Beverly sees Erlin clutching his hand while he sleeps when he was expecting to wake up to something completely different. Soaking up the quiet beauty of his boyfriend, Beverly also notices the stress lines and grimace Erlin has while sleeping. Beverly carefully adjusts their clasped hands so that his is covering Erlin's before gently stroking soothing circles into the back of Erlin's hand with his thumb and watches as the motion lulls Erlin into a more peaceful sleep.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Looking around the dark room, Beverly can't stop some tears of relief from escaping as he sees that his family is alive and is sleeping in various uncomfortable positions around his hospital bed. Balnor's snores pull Beverly's gaze away from where Moonshine is sprawled across the end of his bed, various limbs hanging off it, with Egwene tucked up against her in such a way that Beverly knows Egwene fell asleep while keeping watch. When he catches sight of Balnor, Beverly barely suppresses a gleeful snort as he sees that Balnor is drooling and cuddling with Pawpaw in a chair, head tilted back, reminding Bev of a simpler time way back in Frostwind. There's a squeeze to his other hand, bringing Beverly's attention to the person he had skipped over to look at Balnor. Hardwon is gently holding on to his other hand as he slumps awkwardly over his chair like he also hadn't meant to fall asleep and Beverly winces to himself as he takes in the dark circles, barely kept beard, and fraying braids. Beverly desperately wants to fix Hardwon's braids, knowing how important they are to him and how much stress Hardwon must have been under for them to get that bad but Beverly feels his energy rapidly running out and is barely able to turn back to Erlin before sleep claims him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next time Beverly wakes, he awakes to a quiet conversation, sunlight thawing the last of the stiffness in his limbs away, and the delicious smell of breakfast. Carefully opening his eyes so he isn't blinded, Beverly sees that his family is quietly enjoying breakfast and with a mischievous smile, rasps out, "Is there sticky buns?"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Yeah, bud. You want one……" There's a stunned moment of silence after Balnor responds to Beverly before everyone erupts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>"Beverly! You're awake-" "About fucking time, dweeb-" "Bev! How ya feelin'? Can I get you anything-" "Bev-" "Bud." "I can't believe you just-" "-it was so bad!" "-trust us and-" "We've talked about this-" "-love you!"</span>
</p><p>
  <span>After the initial swarm of hugs and questions, they quickly resituate themselves on his bed while Moonshine hands him a  small plate of food and Beverly slowly eats between asking what's happened since the end of the battle and stumbling to explain what happened to him. Though through the happy atmosphere, Beverly can feel the underlying tension that he had placed there by almost dying for a  reflectively, stupid reason and definitely will be apologizing for, both with words and actions before Beverly can even consider maybe forgiving himself for the harm he did to his loved ones. In this moment though, Beverly is content with gently taking Erlin's hand in his, and lifting it to place a kiss the back of it while trying to say 'I'm sorry and I love you' with his gaze as he does so, stoutly ignoring the coos and groans of their exasperated family, focusing on the softening and blushing face of his beautiful boyfriend. After all, they have all the time in the world.</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>The Tumblr prompt I based this fic on:</p><p>Person B knowing they're undoubtedly about to die within the next few seconds, likely from the gaping wound they're bleeding out from. Instead of calling for help, they phone Person A and carry on a casual conversation as if nothing is wrong, making sure to mention how much they love them before their time runs out.</p></blockquote></div></div>
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